Edisi Cinta: Feeling Given Up..and Beaten Down

Assalamualaikum

Lama x update pasal lack of time.
Project tengah berjalan..huhu
Tapi i have la few words nak cakap what i feel right about now.
After almost over 12 years of my adult life, i have been dating many girls.
And now, what i'm actually feeling is

Given Up..!
Beaten Down..!

Emotionally of course. Aku rasa i wont ever be a good boyfriend.
Asek wat pompuan nangis.
Been called 'hati kering'.
Been lectured 'woman need this,women need that'.
Basically a lecture about 'Women 101'.
And yet after 12 years, i still don't get women.
And never will be a good boyfren to someone.

Aku malas sms.
Jarang lagi nak bergayut.
And sebab ini, aku bergaduh.
Trust me, almost my entire dating life for 12 years, this had been a constant subject of my fight.
Almost THE ONLY thing i've been fighting about.

Aku bagi macam2 alasan and sometime alasan yang kdg2 borderline menipu tuk cover the fact yang i'm just very lazy untuk sms and call.
Don't know but every women i dated don't accept the fact yang mmg aku malas sms and call.

Walaupon aku dah mention kata aku malas sms/call even before the relationship started, yet bende ni jugak yang di demand untuk aku buat in the middle of the relationship sampai wat gaduh.
Aishh..
Aku try berubah and yet, never satisfy or ianya bersifat sementara.
So aku rasa, this is my fate.
I will never compatible to any women to be a boyfriend.

I know and well aware of my weakness ni.
I try tuk redeem myself dengan give enjoyable date every weekend or time we get.
And yet that one weakness always menjadi isu regardless of anything else..
Apparently sms and call everyday tunjukkan you love someone.
Adeh!
Aku call mak/abah aku pon sebulan sekali pon tidak and yet i love them dearly.
X caye, tanyelah diaorg sendiri.
Itulah kecacatan aku. Huhu
Try berubah pon org still nampak kecacatan tu sebagai bende pertama.
Basically, no amount of lecture can help. In fact lecture tu yg wat lagi damaging.

Now i feel like being in the relationship is like a full time job.
Constant nagging you have to hear about the sameeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee thing for you to change.
And i am tired.
I wish i am in the 80's where you only communicate only by bergayut kat public phone and the surat yang disembur perfume..huhu
Terfikir jugak, jika using only that medium can make people of the past bahagia and berfamily bagai, why not us?

For me, it's the quality chit chat that matters bukannya constant empty msg abt 'dah makan?,watpe?' everyday.
And yet after 12 years of looking, never have i found that kind of relationship.
Sumenye demand sms/call everyday.
Kalau lambat sms, kena lecture and tuduh macam2. Gaduh2.
Even psl kedit zero pon kena tuduh mcm2.

T-I-R-E-D!!!

Aku seriously dah malas nak date sape2.

Single sampai mati ke?
entah..Wallahualam.

Sebab?
I won't ever be a good boyfren.

And is this anything to with the girl?
No. She's the best girl i had. This is entirely my decision pasal aku removing myself from the dating scene pasal mmg aku dah x bertenaga.
Dah tak layak nak dating someone.
A defect you may call that must be remain away from getting another girl hurts and menangis merana psl x sms/call.
She deserves better than what i am now..

.
.
.
.
.
.

Be a good husband perhaps someday?
I dont know..Maybe yes pasal xkanlah dah duk serumah still nak gaduh psl sms and call kan.
Insyaallah someday although i doubt it coz before being a good husband,apparently you have to be a good boyfriend dulu.
Doakan lah yang terbaik.Huhu..